Cast A Glance Lower Than The Exterior
by Kitai-Anom
Summary: Even role models had their demons and Izuru was beginning to see that his friends had some that needed to be exorcised.
1. Prologue

Cast A Glance Lower Than The Exterior

**Anime/Manga:** _Bleach_

**Pairing(s):** _None_

**Genre:** _Tragedy/Drama_

**Warnings:** _OOC-ness_

**Personal thoughts:** _Random exploration fic  
_

Ps.

"Talking"  
'_Thinking'_

Prologue

* * *

Izuru knew most would say he was vulnerable.

Maybe they were right, he didn't know but what he did know was that he wasn't the only one, maybe because of his readable eyes it just made it easier to see it. Although, you couldn't always just look at the exterior, you had to explore the interior to fully understand. So little do and Izuru thought it was a shame. If someone would than maybe someone would just save those two from their pools of despair and darkness in their hearts because Izuru could see them drowning. Both chasing someone they love, one friendly, one romantically but they were chasing, they were crashing. How come he had to see this, when was he taught to look below and not above?

'_Why couldn't I be ignorant…?'_

Maybe he was vulnerable, maybe he wasn't but he knew he found his strength and unfortunately through a person he learned to despise through anger. He learned to hold onto what he gave him because he knew if he gave that up then he would become vulnerable. Maybe it was because what he was taught wasn't as contradicting that he was able to hold on so easily. Maybe that was why his friend was struggling to not let go, so little fingers left.

'_What do I do… he's supposed to be my guidance not the other way around…'_

They are strong. Keeping it so hidden so well but even everyone has their tells, even someone boisterous. Maybe being that way was a good way to hide things, cover up scars that everyone thinks shouldn't exist. There's a fear though as he looks at all his friends, it's so minor that it takes quite a few tries before you'll see it. He's suffered the same, the pain of abandonment, the fear of loss and the thoughts of inferiority.

'_How can I help him when I've help build the gap?'_

Izuru's eyes soften and sadden as he stares at them from the far distance, so many people blocking his view that sometimes he can't see the two at all. He can still feel them and he knows he shouldn't be staring at them, he knows it's rude. However he can't do anything but that because he's afraid to take the step forward that the two of them need. Afraid to try and be the one strong enough to carry their burdens as well, it's not like he can't carry burdens. It's something he knows how to handle but no one but himself, _him_, and Wabisuke has ever given him that chance.

Izuru can't dare to take a step because they never called him, never noticed him amongst the dark cloud around them. So Izuru walks away again, knowing he's useless, knowing he can't reach out to them, not with this crowd, how can he weave through it to reach them, to bring them out. He knows despair but to get rid of it is another question, he doesn't think he can. Izuru eyes, stoic to everyone else but it displays his soul to those he knows, he's vulnerable and he knows it. Unstable in mind and depressing, always looking for lies when he shouldn't.

'_Can understanding be enough?'_

He wants to say hai but knows better because even if he knows both their pains, they would never understand him being strong. They would never let him reach them because he is vulnerable and frail to them. He is nothing to them. There is no trust in their relationship, there is nothing to share, they lack balance. He can't be that balance but neither of them want to be a balance, they all want to be the weight that keeps someone grounded instead of the weight of despair. They both lack the weight of being grounded for themselves and Izuru wonders if they realize. If you just be one weight eventually the scale will tip too far or break and then what?

'_You can't be strong forever, that weight will crush you and when there's no one around to forgive you it will take your life.'_

Once they reached that point Izuru knew it was going to be the end of the Shuuhei and Renji he knows, he admires, he loves. They would slowly sink below and drown in their fake stability, they'd never be okay because they couldn't ask for help. Forever strong, forever stable. Those words were lies, everyone has weakness and things that get to them and Izuru found himself foolish for once believing in those words, no one is perfect. Despite how much Shuuhei and Renji tried to be, they could not perfect their soul, remove those harmful scars that lay on it. They would never stop the bleeding on their walls because Izuru knows they've both been trying, they need another opinion.

They need a savior.

Maybe it was cheesy but everyone needs a savior, he had been saved, saved from the darkness that would have killed him. Renji had no savior and Shuuhei seemed to be losing whatever it was that his savior had done for him. It was hard to hold on without a savior, Izuru didn't know why his savior had equipped him to still be saved, be alive, even without him. He didn't know why Shuuhei's savior was so stupid as to not give Shuuhei something of his own to believe in. The path they were headed down, Izuru was sure was going to end in self-destruction and no one would see it coming. Izuru's hand clenched and flexed, he could see it but he couldn't do anything, he's weak. One would say that all he could do was hope that someone would come save the two.

He didn't believe in hope though.

* * *

A/N: _This is either a one shot that could turn into a fic or just stay at it is, I feel selfish for asking for messages if you want an actual story out of this. The idea I'm proposing is a bit weird because it has a more dominant Izuru and a more vulnerable Renji and Shuuhei. I don't think many people will like the idea or what I explore into, it will also be very angsty and more character exploring than actual plot-worthy. Maybe I'll be able to come up with something but that's very unlikely. Either way if you're curious you can just ask for a continuation, you can PM instead of a review with a simple "Please continue" no explanation needed for those who don't like writing reviews. I prefer PMs rather than reviews, reviews would make this small thing look good so… Either way, you can check my profile under "update:" to see if the status changes to a full story. Btw, the main pairing will be Shuuhei x Izuru x Renji.  
Update: Fic is under construction and chapters will be added._

_Translations: _

_Hai = Yes_


	2. To Start It All

Cast A Glance Lower Than The Exterior

**Anime/Manga:** _Bleach  
_

**Pairing(s):** _Hisagi Shuuhei x Kira Izuru x Abarai Renji (this is not all the couples for this fic by far, but I have no couples confirmed, I'll reveal them as time goes on, so far, I have two others in mind.)  
_

**Genre:** _Tragedy/Drama_

**Warnings:** (For all the chapters)_ Spoilers For Recent Chapters, male x male relationship(s), Character Death, Swearing, Blood, Gore, OC, Dark Themes, Possible OOC-ness, Post Manga_

**Thoughts:** _Finally got the first chapter up, I've got a good idea where this fic is going & where I'll be taking it. So hope you enjoy and any feedback is apprciated :D Thankfully not dead but the next chapter won't be posted for a long time but I should be able to everntually finish the next chapter. If not, I'll at least post what's written and leave it as incomplete. The overall story is rated M because it should touch into graphic and deeply dark emotions, so I hope it will reach an M rating.  
_

Ps.

"Talking"  
'_Thinking'_

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx = _Change in scenery or time(Italics = Present Timeline of section)_

Chapter One – "To Start It All"

* * *

_Anxious nausea was welling in everyone's guts._

_It had been a long time since Ichigo and his dad had followed Aizen into Soul Society to try and stop him from getting all the souls of Karakura town in order to make the Oken. Everyone else remained at the mostly ruined fake Karakura town, beaten, badly. Izuru was not one of them, he may have been too injured to follow Ichigo into battle, but he was trying to save as many lives as he could… They just had to get rid of Aizen, they were so close to winning that it felt surreal._

_They just had to hope this all wasn't an illusion and they'd wake up somewhere else with Aizen already have achieved his goal. Ichigo finally had returned, stumbling to a gate to head back to fake Karakura town. No expression on his face, his sword still in hand, still pitch black and small, despite that, Izuru could see the drying blood on it. As people ran to him in order to find out what had happened to everyone else that went in. Ichigo stayed perfectly still, a statue and the reason for that was written clear across that face full of despair._

_He won the war but lost the battle…_

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx 20 years later… XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Change.

Soul Society was certainly in a time of change, war changed things, war always changes things. After all of the pain, it seemed as if they were still in a never ending battle, mostly amongst themselves or internally fighting. It didn't help with the pressure now placed to up hold security and to fill the many missing positions due to them being killing in action. All for the greater good… Izuru wanted to scoff at those words.

"Can you materialize your zanpakutou yet?"

Renji's question broke Izuru out of his near flash back, his expression unchanging despite the jerk back to reality "I only just managed to achieve that yesterday."

"Hah! I knew you could do it!" Renji grinned like he had just won a bet.

"You don't have to be so happy…"

"Eh? Of course I should be happy, you've been waiting to become a taichou for years, finally lead the third division properly."

"Hai, I'm glad the division still holds it's perception together, although after everything, I suppose most people are really starting to believe that."

"The eleventh ain't, neither is the thirteenth."

"Seems we're on opposite ends again Abarai-kun…"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"At one point you were in the eleventh and I was in the forth and it seems that you'll be leading the thirteenth which contradicts with the third's philosophy on war."

Renji blinked for a second "How'd you know I got offered a position to become the thirteenth's new taichou?"

"Matsumoto-chan." And that name ended any of Renji's questions "So, are you going to take the position?"

"Maybe…" He drawled out and Izuru caught the glimpse of unconfidence in his eyes.

It wasn't hard to see why, Renji still couldn't beat Byakuya, he was still scared to even try… Izuru quieted down in the following conversation that Renji had diverted them on. He was really good at diverting people off topics he didn't like, particularly ones he had a problem with. Renji might not be able to pick up on other people's diversions in conversations but he sure as hell could do it himself.

'_I wonder if Kuchiki-fukutaichou would convince him to actually take over… she could use the help.'_

Izuru let his eyes drift to the background, how seldom it seemed and lonely, not that many people talked, despite the time, there was still so many scars. The environment seemed like if you said a name too loudly, the world would shatter around you. So many taboo names but that was to be expected. Soul society was still trying to get back up on it's feet so the time of healing was still upon them. Izuru wondered how long they'd spend healing and how many unnoticed scars would be left behind, untouched by anyone, he wondered.

Izuru's eyes directed back at Renji when he found Renji's eyes were locked elsewhere and the conversation they had been having had stopped. Izuru glanced over in curiosity to the thing that keep Renji's attention so well held. Izuru let the frown slip through his mask as he noticed the person of his attention was Yumichika. Izuru took the time to take in the differences, having not seen him in a few years. His hair styled differently, a braid hung from the right side of his face, his hair cut at different lengths in order to give it a flow when he moved. Yumichika had grown his bangs out to better shape his face, the rest remained shorter.

"He looks better." Izuru commented.

"I guess, still not great though…"

"Have you talked to him at all?"

"Here and there."

Renji must have felt the shift of harshness in Izuru's stare and he looked over with a "Nani?"

"You have at least sought him out, right?"

"Of course, he doesn't come to talk to me otherwise."

"How many times?"

"Huh?"

"Over the past twenty years, how many times have you seen him?"

"You know I've been busy, everything with Ichigo,"

'_With Kuchiki Rukia…'_ Izuru filled in the uncompleted sentence.

"Been a bit busy dealing with things, it takes years, I mean the first five years everyone in Seireitei walked around like a zombie, you should know, you were no better."

Izuru's insides clenched at the re-mention of the events, maybe he wasn't fully over it but he had no one to talk to. Everyone was so busy dealing with their own traumas that no one ever asked if anyone else was okay. By the time they did, Izuru had already found his mask and for the most part, his way. It was just another part of war, he reminded himself, just another _disgusting_ part of war.

"I suppose you're right… what about after that?"

"I dunno, I guess I just sort of assumed he was fine, he was never one to really open up ya know?"

"Hai, at least there isn't any concealer to hide his bags anymore."

"You can tell that from here?"

"Squad four, it's easy to tell things about people at a glance."

"Ah, is that how you always know when I'm injured?"

"Hai, that would be the reason."

"How come you don't take over the forth?"

"A squad three's mentality is very bad for a squad four to have and I am very dedicated to the squad three belief."

"I know but you seem to have picked up healing as a common thing now, besides I just thought that you might want a change besides the gloomy atmosphere of squad three."

"I like it."

"That's what matters." Renji said with a grin as he readjusted his goggles.

His pride and joy, Renji had managed to save up for again, despite Ichigo always breaking them. Renji hadn't changed in appearance, the guy was too consistent in it, same pony tail, same length, although he did have quite a few tattoos. His arms and legs were now decorated with them, instead of when his arms were only lightly inked. Izuru realized that his own appearance had changed slightly.

He had cut his bang differently, so that you could see the eye peeking out behind the curtain of blonde hair. It was still obscured when his hair decided to fall out of place but generally there was a nice slit where his eye could be seen. Izuru had also taken to tying his hair back but in a low pony tail that kept his hair split. His hair had grown out slightly but he didn't plan on letting it grow any longer. He also had a bang coming across the right of his face but that one was going to remain rather short.

'_Things really change don't they…'_

"Whoa." Renji gasped out "Hitsugaya-taichou's been growing."

Izuru looked over at Toushirou, he was still young but he seemed to have finally reached the age where he would grow. After all, boys did grow later in their lives than early so that was to be expected. Toushirou hadn't change much in his hair but his facial structure had gotten sharper, making him look older. He also, Izuru noted as he stood next to Momo, was no longer a whole head shorter than her. He hadn't quite outgrown her though.

Momo also had some sharper features that came with getting older but her facial structure remained relatively the same, seems like she'd always end up looking younger than she is. Her hair had gotten longer, trailing down her back quite a bit. In place of her bun was a ponytail that held only some of her hair. Both her and Toushirou had a very worn look to them, tired eyes and paler skin.

"They just stared talking a little less than half a year ago." Izuru commented to Renji who let his shoulders relax in relief.

"They aren't the same are they?"

"After what happened, it's hard to be, I'm sure they'll return to normal, it's just they were so young when it happened that it is going to take longer to heal."

"Hai, I had thought they were going to lose their positions. They were out for so long…"

"There was no one to remove them from their position or to help heal their wounds."

"…" Renji gave a sober nod and just grinned at Izuru, trying to lighten the mood "But they're talking and that's great, the two are really good friends."

"Maybe right now…"

"Huh?"

"Hitsugaya-taichou likes Hinamori-chan so I wouldn't be surprised if they eventually start dating."

Renji gave a grunt "Works for them, works for me."

Izuru gave a nod and relaxed more in his seat to allow his straight back a chance to be in a different position than the one he always held. Izuru didn't feel the need to sit up like there was a pole keeping him like that, at least not with Renji. He had a way of making you take a breather and believe in him. He had a similar personality that one would find in a hero, except that was taken by Ichigo. It was a shame Renji didn't get as much attention that Ichigo did, despite his similar ability to keep going and pull off the impossible.

'_If he did, things wouldn't be like this…' _His mind retorted at him _'If you'd just help him he wouldn't be either but that obviously isn't happening.'_ Izuru felt the pressure weigh on himself again _'I can't do anything for him, I'm apart of the problem, I've never supported him before, I've been the voice of reason… I'm not his strength…'_ He tried to push the inward argument away but the voice was never settled until it weighed his chest down, heavily _'Who is? Kuchiki-fukutaichou? You know what she does to his problems, she helps bury them. I guess you're just like her, huh?'_

The voice silenced after that but by now, Izuru had mastered a passive face with a split mind, one focused on what's in front of him, the other held his demeaning impolite thoughts of himself and what was around. They never had to know, they'd never know about that dark heart in him, the part inside himself that hated everything, that was so angry at the world. He wouldn't show them that despair… it wasn't crippling and it wasn't something that would go away either, it was a gross, bubbling scar still welling inside him… there was nothing to be done…

"Seems everyone is starting to heal, especially if they're coming out…" Izuru spoke out into the silence that spread between them.

Renji grunted in agreement. "It's 'bout time."

Renji thought for a moment, drumming his fingers on the small table in between them and smiled "So, think we're gonna get kicked out for loitering at this café?"

"I suppose we really shouldn't be taking the seats of their customers, even though we did eat here."

With that, the two stood up in unison, Izuru tucking his chair in as Renji already began to walk off. Izuru, long since in the habit, tucked in Renji's chair as well and followed after. Not wanting to waste a single moment of both of their breaks, he really liked talking with Renji. The smiling, the laughter, it was all relieving but he'd have to part ways soon, he had a meeting with Shuuhei in order to continue their training.

"Ano, Abarai-kun, I have to go meet Hisagi-sempai for training."

"You mind if I tag along?"

"If you want to, you may be able to help both of us obtain our bankais."

"I'm actually really curious of both of your zanpakutou's spirits."

"I don't think Hisagi-sempai will show you his, I only got to see him by chance since we're always training together…"

"I can still ask."

"I know you will…" Izuru said with a sigh to his voice.

"So, we gonna pick him up or meet him at the training area?"

Izuru thought of the time before responding "We'll pick him up."

"Hai, off to Hisagi we go!"

Izuru couldn't help but mumble "You act like we're going on an adventure." He smiled playfully but also amused at Renji's energy, he wouldn't change it for the world.

Their conversation drifted away from the pain of war once again into a relaxing one, one without any burden, just freedom. Thankfully they were close to the ninth so it wasn't very likely that they would encounter any more people bringing up memories and concerns. After all, most people were still getting back on their feet and Izuru and Renji had only exchanged words when time presented itself. Both too busy with the changes that had to be done in order to stabilize Soul Society.

They were in the tenth at the current time period when they decided to eat and the only person Renji had yet to ask about that they may see was Rangiku. However, everyone else thought she was just fine and Izuru figured she only confided in him because no one else would understand her relationship with Gin. Nobody else understood him but each other and they wanted, iie, _needed_ to share the confusions and pain Gin seemed to bring with him.

Izuru was glad that they made it in time to catch Shuuhei for he was coming out of the office and getting ready to jog to the training room. Shuuhei was observant and quickly noticed the two before either of them could open their mouths to greet. He instead strode over to them quickly in order to get in on the conversation. Shuuhei's appearance wasn't really different, he had grown his bangs slightly longer but the rest of his hair remained the same. Shuuhei also had a new tattoo placed on his left arm, a small black cricket, resting above the arm bands he still wore. Shuuhei had also obtained new "tricks" with his accessories. Wearing several other "punk" like bands over his arms.

"We still training?" His eyes wandered to Renji.

"He wanted to help." Izuru explained "After all, Abarai-kun has already mastered his bankai and would probably be handy in our attempts to obtain it."

Shuuhei gave a nod "We're really close to it, if you have any pointers for the rest of the mile stones that would help."

Renji gave a nod and grinned widely again as they made their way to the training area.

"Yo Hisagi, you can materialize your zanpakutou right?"

"Hai, I've master that already and I can already feel my reiatsu increasing, I think I'll be able to gain it within the month, hopefully less."

"Can I see it?"

Shuuhei paused in his thought in order to figure out what he was talking about "My zanpakutou's materialized form? Is that what you mean?"

"Hai."

Shuuhei glanced down at Kazeshini and contemplated what to really say to Renji, he was clearly not interested in showing Renji, at least Izuru could see that clearly. Renji remained oblivious and hopeful. "Cause I mean, mine's a chimera so I was wondering what your guys zanpakutou spirits would look like. I sometimes wish Zabimaru was something else cause I always get a lot of comments that I look just like 'em. Would you get the same reaction?"

"Possibly."

Izuru cut in "Most people don't have the same image as their zanpakutou because they tend to embody a different being. They're not normally human so it's hard to look like them. I mean-" Izuru stumbled slightly with the sentence, not sure who to use as an example but quickly finding one "- I'm not sure how Kuchiki-taichou's zanpakutou's materialization is but I'm pretty sure it's not human."

"You mean like a sakura tree monster or something?"

"I guess you can put it like that…"

"He has a tree for a zanpakutou?"

"It was an example, I don't think-"

"Heh, that would be entertaining, materialize your zanpakutou and it ends up being a talking tree." Renji let out a chuckle and his grin grew wide, bearing more of his teeth from his amusement.

Renji seemed to enjoy his fantasy so Izuru moved to Shuuhei for a more normal conversation "Are you going to be taking the taichou test after you receive bankai or waiting for someone to offer you a position?"

"I rather take the test but they may end up giving me the position without it. We're short seven taichous after all."

Izuru nodded "I suppose we're in need of leadership but there's at least no rush."

"Hai, although I can't wait to take over the ninth, you'll be taking over the third, right?"

"Hai, they seemed to have accepted me as their leader, there is no way I could leave them."

"Still sticking with your division's flower?"

"Hai." Izuru didn't miss Shuuhei's slight change in demeanour that stated he was unhappy with that. _'Don't worry,'_ Izuru wanted to assure _'It's not because I'm still hanging onto him… I just really agree with the third's philosophy, I couldn't change that. I couldn't find a better flower to suit it than the Marigold.'_

Izuru didn't voice his thoughts, Gin was not a topic _any_ of them talked about.

"I mean I could change it to something like 'Asphode' which means my 'regrets follow you to the grave' but I prefer the Marigold. Are you changing from the Buttercup, Oblivion?"

"Hai, I think so…" Izuru looked at him to continue "I guess I want to make the ninth my own and to fight for what I believe in, protecting others."

"So what flower do you think best represents that?"

"Not really sure, it's hard to find one that represents the idea I'm looking for, you'd think there's be a flower meaning 'I'll be there for you' or something along that line. I've thought of maybe using Lavender, Larkspur, and Holly."

"Love and devotion. An open heart. Defence. Right?"

"Hai."

Izuru thought about it "They all seem like good choices since their meanings line up with what you say. Doing something for the sake of others… devotion in love for others, open heart for others, defence for others. I think holly will probably represent your ideals the most, the defence for others, to fight for others, right?"

"Hai, I think you're right."

Renji chose then to rejoin the conversation "Maybe both of you should run the ikebana club with how much you both know flowers."

Izuru noticed Shuuhei's tense at Renji brining up _that_ subject and Izuru felt his insides churn with renewed pain. It's not like Renji meant anything offensive by it, it was meant as a joke, to put a light spin on their serious conversation. It was Renji's way, he was comic relief, the friend to lean on when things were rough. That's how people knew Renji and they were right, he was all those things but that didn't change the fact he also felt pain. Although, Renji wasn't always as oblivious as people made him out to be, he picked up on the silence and quickly changed topics, feeling the tense air.

It didn't really matter though because they had arrived at their destination and the next few moments would all be movement.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx Few hours later XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Excuse me Kira-fukutaichou."

Izuru stopped his conversation with Renji and Shuuhei to look at the small girl that had come running over. Izuru recognized her instantly, her name was Nozara Yuki, she had been around for about 27 years in the division and had obtained her shikai only a few years ago. She was a bit shorter than 157 cm with short mint green hair and glowing amber eyes. Currently positioned as the hachiseki of the division but Izuru was planning on asking her to take a test to become higher, she showed promise.

"What is it?"

She glanced over at the two fukutaichous "It has to do with the division sir."

Izuru gave a nod and looked over at Shuuhei and Renji "Excuse me."

There was good byes from the two and Izuru was quick to start walking beside the girl, waiting for her explanation. "Gomenasai for disturbing you."

"Don't be."

Yuki gave a nod and reached into her kimono to pull out a few papers, Izuru caught a glimpse at the file number and date. Seemed it was recent but he recognized the number it corresponded with. Izuru didn't like the fact that there was another file on a particular mission he was in charge of. This mission had been going on for almost three weeks now. Yuki checked over the file again, to make sure she was getting everything right and then turned her attention to her fukutaichou.

"It's about the shinigami of the third division stationed in the Juureichi."

"Souka." He waited for her to continue.

"There's still been a lot of deaths of humans there and we've lost another member since the last report."

"Any leads this time?"

"They found the body. They wanted you to look at it."

"Lead the way." He said, sounding more determined than normal _'Finally, something we can work with.'_

Yuki lead him quickly enough, not wanting to waste any time but also began to summarize the report in front of her "The report came from a squad two member, Obinata Gonkuro-yonseki, it says that while he was patrolling he came across a body lying just outside of the Juureichi's boarder. There is a single hollow wound stretching across his torso, seems like a slash that was more to swat him away then kill him."

"Are you sure it's a hollow? Why wouldn't it devour his body?"

"According to Obinata-yonseki, the wound had hollow reiatsu, I'm sure you can confirm that though since the body just arrived through the Senkaimon."

"Hai." He nodded to Yuki as she opened the doors that lead to the secluded area in squad three where they could examine the body properly.

The doors were no different then all the doors in squad three, there was visually no difference, it was only till they got deeper into the building was when the inside of the walls were filled with a special substance to block reiatsu based attacks. The two made no sound as they entered the hallway to the final room. Yuki stopped in front of the door and stood beside it, holding the papers close. She lowered her head and waited.

Izuru nodded at her for her consideration and respect not to enter the room since she was probably not allowed to see this. He opened the door enough to slip in and closed it silently behind himself. Crossing the room to the table where the body lay on, he recognized the member as one his junisekis. He also took notice of a squad two standing there, who seemed to have some originality still left in him.

'_That must be Obinata Gonkuro-yonseki'_

He glanced at the body and instantly held out his hand, letting a green glow of reiatsu admit and suddenly what his reiatsu was touching he could feel. He began searching for differences and instantly felt the revolting reiatsu of a hollow leek a bit from the wound. However it was mixed with something he couldn't quite place. With his reiatsu mixing with it, he felt a bit odd & uneasy, a bit… overpowered by the reiatsu. He swallowed out of reflex and moved his other hand to have an easier time to admit his reiatsu into the man before him.

One wound carved across his abdomen, seemed like the wound wasn't quite meant to be fatal, just a knock back. However it did kill this shinigami as he looked over at the eyes still open, lifeless, dull. His eyes returned to watch what was happening with the wound as he concentrated on it, there was nothing really different about it from a normal hollow attack. Except the reiatsu it was releasing wasn't quite right. Readjusting his output, Izuru examined closer, the wound was not clean cut, seemed more blunt force then something sharp. He examined over the rest of the body and besides from what he was pretty sure was tumble injuries, since they were post-mortem, there was no other injuries from the hollow.

He pulled his hand away and stopped his reiatsu flow to feel a jolt run up his spine. Izuru wasn't sure what triggered it but he saw the squad two shift ever so slightly at the reaction. Tentively, he reached out again with his reiatsu, this time searching to grasp the reiraku that was there. Getting a feel for the hollow's reiatsu, something in his body didn't feel right interacting with it and he pulled away. Examining over the body, trying to grasp what was wrong with it, what was different? He couldn't figure it out, it seemed beyond his comprehension, he stopped examining the reiatsu and turned his head to the squad two.

"The only thing wrong with this body is the reiatsu it is admitting, something doesn't quite feel hollow about it."

The man nodded and then quickly vanished as Izuru gave a nod to him.

Izuru's eyes glanced back to the body as his fingers reached out to brush the edges of the wound. He stilled his nerves as he felt like he wanted to jerk back, something wasn't right. If it was just a hollow's reiatsu, he would no longer be afraid of it, since a hollow's reiatsu's scent often brought upon fear in a person. This was do to the fact you could feel that it was once human and it's reiatsu was full of despair that it made you uneasy and sick. Why did this reiatsu feel different and as he summoned the reiraku to view this time, he wondered, why was it coloured a light indigo?

Izuru stared at it intensely for sometime.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx An Hour later XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

The streets were quiet in squad three, not an uncommon trend though.

Squad three, was silent, not like squad two but enough to make most people uncomfortable. Conversations in squad three consisted of whispers, not one spoke above that unless you wanted it to echo around the division. Izuru had long since figured out the Gin had changed around the building places and structures to soundproof the houses and to cause any noise to echo through your house or in the streets. Even if you could weave your way through the other divisions, squad three remained a maze.

Izuru's eyes shifted around, trying not to let his unease bother him, he moved to his house quickly, finding it with no trouble. Opening the door and shutting it behind him with normal speed and grace. He stilled at this point as he held his hand to his face _'Why do I feel so sick over this? Was it because this was the tenth member I lost since this began? Why was this member's body found? What made him different? What is with that reiatsu, it's a hollow isn't it? Maybe not…'_

Izuru closed his eyes to focus on the spark he had felt spread through his spine like wildfire. It felt like something had breathed on his spine, like something was too close. It wasn't killing intent, that didn't scare him. Maybe it was over-whelming power? However, he couldn't feel that from just left over reiatsu from an attack, if it could be called that. He clenched his hand and left his door way, he'd sleep on it and hopefully by tomorrow he'd have new ideas onto what this hollow was.

Although he already had a theory.

He ignored it though, now was not the time for those theories, or jumping to the conclusion that because of their recovery period that they may have screwed up. Sighing he made his way up his stairs to the top floor and made to his room. Entering the large empty room, he glanced at his desk, then at his bed, sighing inwardly he moved to his bed. Laid down and stared at the ceiling. Closed his eyes tightly and swallowed hard, why was his nerves running wild, why did it feel so much like _that day, like that encounter_.

His eyelids flexed at this and he closed his eyes in concentration, it was nothing like that, nothing close to that. Leaning his head further back against the pillow, he tried pushing his thoughts away again. There was no need to go back there, there was no reason to remember everything that had happened. Maybe it was because he never talked about it, was that why his mind was stuck here? Izuru closed his eyes, that had to be it.

He lifted his hand instinctively, grasping with his finger. So close yet so far. He wasn't even sure what that was supposed to mean. Letting his hand fall back down to his side, he breathed out, relaxing himself. No one knew of the current mission going on, only the squad two taichou and himself. Also anyone stationed there knows of the situation but those were only his own members and a few from squad two. It had been agreed between them that this was to remain with in their squads until they figured out what was going on. Izuru agreed to this, wanting to do so as well.

So none of his friends knew, he hadn't told Rangiku, despite the fact he told her almost anything, more so than anyone else. Oddly enough, he still remained closer with Renji, Momo, and Shuuhei. He barely spoke with Momo, not because she wasn't strong enough to handle any of these news but because she had been so out of it. There was no reason to talk to her about pain, pain she already suffered through and too much at that. He didn't talk to Renji because he tended to shy away from problems. Shuuhei just never asked so he never even had the opportunity to tell him anything.

So really, there was no way for him to slip this secret away, since it could be considered a problem. He learned long ago to refuse Rangiku's drinks, Momo was too oblivious and out of it, Renji didn't want to know, and Shuuhei wouldn't pry. So, really, hiding things weren't hard, well, he knew how to lie anyways, his mask had long been perfected, the shine in his eyes that once revealed what he felt gone. Many people said his life went away with that shine. Maybe he was dead. Izuru didn't know, wasn't sure if he cared.

'_What if this escalates, the last thing we need is more sorrow, we're changing for the better this time… Although, if life was perfect, we would have never ended up here. I suppose I'm thinking too optimistically, it's not about thinking that this shouldn't happen as why this shouldn't be a possibility.'_

Innocence, happiness, honour, these things could never be preserved, not in this life he had chosen to live. Not since he made the promise to his parents to become a shinigami, it was foolish to think these things would last forever. A child's dream. All it was now, was about protecting other people's innocence, happiness, & honour. Those things he had long since lost, long since had stolen from him, that everyone who was here during the winter war had stolen from them. It's hard to be happy with understanding.

Well, he was sure some people could manage it. Someone like Orihime, she somehow could keep all those things alive despite her maturity. How she could, he'd never know, to him, it seemed like an impossible feat. Then again, her ability had to do with rejecting reality. So maybe, she was similar to it, she was so human, yet, so unlike a human. She was the very definition of human, of what humans were supposed to be. Then again, Izuru wasn't human, he was a shinigami.

'_I wonder how I would have turned out if I could've handled the darkness being pressed into me? Maybe people wouldn't have worried about me so much… and I'd probably would've taken over the forth like Abarai-kun suggested. I wonder if that was the division my heart belonged to and if I never went to squad five and found a call to fight, would I have ever left squad four?'_

He shook his head. _'Why am I thinking about the past? I guess I just have a lot of regrets.'_ There was a pause before the next thought popped in his head _'Heh, think you could've really made a difference? That if you were in squad four you could have saved them?'_

How long had that voice been there? Trying to tear him apart, it's been there ever since he really became loyal to Gin. Wabisuke did his best to assure him, support him but something was comforting about the voice, it made him think, made him aware, made him question. It was comfort within the dark, it was odd but… he wasn't sure he'd be okay with out, maybe less guilty but a lot less grounded. Probably severely unstable. Eyes stared blankly at the ceiling, he knew he probably looked dead.

Well, at least he wasn't described as a kicked puppy anymore.

* * *

A/N: _I'm probably making Izuru look insane right now but to me, it seems that Gin could have that effect on people, causing a different mind set compared to Izuru's own that even though hurts, also causes good. Very weird idea but meh. Besides, I don't know if it's just me but when you scold youself for something I find I use "you" rather than "I" when talking in my mind, so this is my representation of it. It's just what I decided to do for this fic. If you don't like it, comment, I'll see what I can do or if I even want to do something about it. Also, please no bashing or going oh my god, why'd you do that! You just killed the best character in the series! If you wondering why I killed them off, it's because it's illogical for some of the good guys not to die. It's just you can't do that in a manga with out losing the fans because they want their happy ending with no despair and only suspense. So I am altering what happens but trying to keep the story as much canon as I can._

_Hope this is everything you wanted for this fic and this is chapter one :D The chapters will be long and many and will also be told from Izuru's view, you only get to know what he knows, thankfully, he's a very analytical character so you shouldn't miss much ;D We'll see if I continue writing this, I'm hoping to but I have no idea how much anyone will like it since this is all my ideas and theories on how they are in personality and it is going non-canon way. I'm sorry to anyone who did not enjoy reading this. Just remember that when you critic something, that there is always a person on the other side of the screen that will read it and will have an emotional investment to your review._

_This fic also will be devilling on the dark side, or what people seem to like to over use "Emo-ness". I don't think it is Emo-like as people have defined it but merely a very serious topic. This fic is to remind people that things aren't always sunshine & lollypops and what you write can really effect someone. Since Bleach is set in war environment, I try to use my fics to capture the true horror of war. Which as squad three puts it best, is despair but it had other aspects to it as well. Remember to keep your mind open :D_

_Oh my god, wall of text that no one will read lol_

_Review fics with care (not just mine)._

_Translations:_

_Oken = King's Key  
Taichou = Captain  
Fukutaichou = Vice-Captain  
Nani = What  
Hai = Yes  
Ano = Umm  
Iie = No  
Hachiseki = Eighth seat  
Gomenasai = I'm sorry (formal)  
Juureichi = __The area in the Human World which has the highest concentration of Spirit Energy and has the highest rate of attracting spiritual beings (Taken from Bleach Wiki)_  
_Souka = I See  
Yonseki = Forth Seat  
Senkaimon = __World Penetration Gate_  
_Juniseki = Twelfth Seat_  
_Reiraku = Spirit Ribbon  
Reiatsu = Spirit Pressure_


End file.
